Don't you evah

OK, taking a train as transporation 99.9% of the time, any New Yorker has that one moment where you want to give that one dumbass a swift kick in the ass for being and idiot and sticking their hand in the door. This is usually followed by the conductor saying something to the extent of "Please do not place any objects in the door when the train is leaving the station." My favorite daily read, Overheard in New York, which dedicated some of its on-liners to conductors who spiced it up a little.

Wednesdays Will Let Go Of the One-Liners When They're Damn Good and Ready

Train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, if you see the doors are closing, don't throw yourselves at them.

--Uptown 6 Train

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, use all train doors. This is not a high school cafeteria line. Use all doors!

--C Train

Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. Please. Folks, I am not kidding, stand clear of the closing doors. Unless you like that whole cut-in-half look, then go right ahead and stand in the way.

--Uptown A Train

Overheard by: queen

Conductor: We are not auditioning for any amateur doormen today. Please let go of the closing doors.

--1 Train

Overheard by: RG

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen in the first car, please let the doors close. (people keep the doors open) Excuse me, please let the doors close. (people keep the doors open) Ladies and gentlemen, if you do not let the doors close, I will bite you. (doors close)

--Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: amused passenger